TEN WAYS TO GET ROBBED IN JOZI… AND LOOK STUPID

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nyone who has ever spent at least a year living in Johannesburg can tell you a personal story about getting robbed, or at least almost getting robbed. If none of the two are applicable, then they can definitely tell you a thing, or two, or three about witnessing people getting robbed.

Yep, right there on the streets, while everyone is watching!

I walked these Jozi streets for about 10 consecutive years. All those walks fortified this “nice” guy to be this “expert” when it comes to manoeuvring these Jozi streets. Through experience, I thus learned what you need to do to get robbed in Jozi, and look stupid!

But you don’t have to learn through experience. You have me as your blessing now, and I hereby share with you a few simple things you might want to do in order to get robbed – and look stupid – in Jozi. Here and there I give some helpful tips to achieve the opposite.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, if you have some secret wish of being robbed in Jozi, here below are the 10 must-do things when in Jozi.

NUMBER ONE: OBEY TRAFFIC LAWS

It seems crazy, right? Yes, because it is. But, believe it or not, this is one of the simplest gateways towards getting robbed in Jozi. Cross the road on the traffic lights (a.k.a. "robots"), wait for them to turn green for you to walk across, and walk in a straight line from one side to the other, and you are really pushing it! Very soon, some curious eyes will be on you.

See, Jozi is not for those who respect all these Grade 4 teachings about where and how to cross the road. In fact, Grade 4 kids in Jozi already know that whatever they learn at school about traffic laws is only reserved for class work and tests. Not for the Jozi streets!

 

TIP: As best as possible, never cross a Jozi street at the traffic lights, and never cross the road in a straight line. Zigzag is the present and the future! If ever you have to cross on the traffic lights, don’t wait for the robot’s green light. As soon as there’s no oncoming vehicle, hit the road! In fact, where the vehicles are usually slow, don’t even wait for the road to be clear. Just navigate between vehicles, and you’ll save your softie skin. And your wallet!

NUMBER TWO: WALK ON THE PAVEMENT

This is related to the above. I had to discuss it separately, however, because very special things happen there by the pavements.

Look, Jozi never runs out of people who are walking up and down the streets, watching people move up and down, ready to pounce on the vulnerable. Some of these people focus on pavements. Yes, you may go ahead and call them experts in that regard.

Due to the fact Jozi is often packed, especially downtown, the pavements are often packed with many people and other articles being sold there. So, your movement will always be seriously compromised on the pavement. And that’s when your vulnerability will be exposed.

So, you walk on the pavement and the “eagles” already can see who is “up for the taking”, and there you’re with your unlimited worship for the pavement! They will pounce on you – and, yes, they always work in groups – and within a few seconds you’ll be left with your pants, if you’re lucky. Your expensive sneakers? Or should we, perhaps, say your former expensive sneakers?

 

TIP: Whatever you do, just stay off all pavements when in Jozi. As soon as you land, look for a pavement, plan on how to avoid it! So, where shall you walk? Believe it or not, but if you want to achieve the opposite of getting robbed, walk on the road. Directly on the road! You’re more safer navigating cars and taxis than walking slowly on the pavement. As you walk, cross to the other side, even if there’s no immediate need. Remember this: OPEN YOUR EYES, CAST THEM WIDE!

NUMBER THREE: MAKE U-TURN WHEN YOU REALISE YOU ARE LOST

So, you are walking down the street. Then you realise you should actually be travelling in the opposite direction. What do you do?

For those who are eager to get robbed, pay close attention. Here’s what you do: Immediately turn back! That’s rational, isn’t it? Yes, it is, but mainly for those who are so bored with life that they wish to be robbed and thus spice up their lives.

See, we all know that once you realise that you’re lost most often your face will show, your eyes will begin to wander, your head will keep tilting to different sides in a way that shows that you’re lost. As already stated in number 2, above, their watchful eyes are always there, scrutinising the streets. First, they will read your facial expressions and your movements, and the moment you start turning back will be the biggest sign that you may be new in this city. There’s your easy ticket to getting robbed!

 

TIP: Easy! Keep walking in the same direction. Gather your thoughts carefully as you walk. Cross the street. Remember number 1 above, about where to cross and where not to cross. After you’ve crossed, then, on the other side you may then turn towards the opposite direction you had taken. That way you’ll lose the attention of anyone who may have been tracking your movement.

NUMBER FOUR: MUSIC TO YOUR EARS: EARPHONES/HEADPHONES

This should be among the most obvious things to do when you hunger to be thoroughly robbed anywhere, including Jozi. Go around acting all cool, listening to the latest sounds blasting in your ear, and in time, without even realising it, you’ll only be left with those earphones hanging on your ears.

 

TIP: Oh, shut up now, you know exactly what you should and should not do!

NUMBER FIVE: FOCUS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

This often begins when people are still in public transport. As the taxi navigates the packed streets, passengers will often be hooked onto their phones. The street experts already know this. From the taxis, some passengers remain hooked on their phones as they disembark. Trust me, it won’t be long before they and their phones will part ways through the timeless Jozi miracle.

 

TIP: As in number 4 above, you know what to do to achieve the opposite. Before you even get to your stop, put away your phone, get a good sense of your surroundings. Ensure that, even inside the taxi, none has seen where you actually put your phone and other valuables, especially your wallet or purse.

NUMBER SIX: GREET PEOPLE

You were raised “properly”, and thus you go around greeting people in Jozi? Wow, how nice and “Godly” of you.

This tendency is often done by those coming from rural towns in other provinces. They greet people and also greet back whenever they’re greeted. The “hawks” easily catch up that this is a newbie and sooner or later they take their chances. Relax, nobody will come to your aid! You’re all alone. A few will say “sorry”, and pass by, while others will laugh as they walk by. Some will even “praise” the violence: “Ooh, man, this is the Jozi I know, this is THE Jozi I grew up in!” True story!

 

TIP: Look, pal, keep your sweet greetings for “rural” Mbombela/Nelspruit City! Here in Jozi, you just walk towards your destination and shut up!

NUMBER SEVEN: TURN YOUR HEAD TO LISTEN TO CALLING VOICES AND WHISTLES

Remember that so many people pass through Jozi. Some of them come from long distances. Like in number 6 above, some are really well mannered. When someone shouts “hey sir”, “Ola”, or whistles, some of our fellow long travellers tend to respond to those calls. Our local “experts” quickly catch up, and soon they’ll be on your tail!

 

TIP: Dude, please, nobody knows you here! Nobody! In fact, if you want to give yourself a better chance at surviving Jozi, before you disembark from your long-distance taxi or bus, put your hand on your chest and silently say this to yourself: I know nobody in this city, and nobody knows me.

NUMBER EIGHT: APOLOGISE FOR BUMPING AGAINST SOMEONE

Oh, it’s always a highly dense city. Well, until 24 December each year. That’s the day when pretty much everyone leaves this city. 25 December – and largely the rest of the festive season – is a very nice and peaceful city. But until then, it will be packed and you’ll surely bump into each other.

So, what do you do then when you bump on someone – or someone bumps on you? You humbly apologise to them, of course. That’s the most logical thing to do to expose your vulnerability and get your sweet-self robbed! Go ahead and do it, and very soon you’ll be crying!

 

TIP: If you happen to bump on someone, keep walking and stop apologising! Some of them do it purposely to test you, and the moment you show good manners you’ll be in for it. So, drop whatever good manners you’ve been carrying all the way from your good old Mbabane!

NUMBER NINE: ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Okay, so you’re in the Jozi streets and can’t quite tell where to get where to get the taxi to Chiawelo, SOWETO, where I made and raised my daughter, where Tsonga music will murder you weekend in, weekend out? Ok, what shall you do now?

Of course, you stop some random pedestrian, like you would back in your Mbasheni, in rural Hhohho, and ask them nicely. Yes, I hereby take the opportunity to wish you a Happy Robbery Day. You sure deserve it!

 

TIP: Hey, Bundu boy, keep walking until you find your way there! Stop asking people for directions. But, in the event you really have to, buy some sweets or small articles from those people selling on the streets. As you’re in the process of buying, quickly ask the seller about your destination. But, oh please, don’t be “Mbasheni” about it. Be street-smart! Surely, I can’t be teaching you everything, every day!!!

NUMBER TEN: GIVE MONEY TO BEGGARS

Oh, sweet, well-raised Christian child, here’s your chance to change a few lives. Here’s your chance to demonstrate your inner Christian-self. Pop in some few coins to little “Can I have money for bread” across each and every street. May sweet Jesus bless you! Along with your blessings, will be some very watchful eyes, watching your charitable-self as you “collect” your blessing. Sooner or later, you’ll be in the air, emptying whatever was left.

 

TIP: Merely giving money out to beggars in Jozi is automatic robbery. Trust me! Robbed already! Keep your money in your pockets! Let others get the chance to be robbed. Can it not be you today, please!

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And so, there you’re! Go out there, do your thing, get nicely robbed, or not! The above information is not free, however. To pay for it, you may make a small donation, send me any amount via eWallet, or Cashsend, or whatever the way you send money these days. Inbox for details.