TEN WAYS TO GET ROBBED IN JOZI… AND LOOK STUPID

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nyone who has ever spent at least a year living in Johannesburg can tell you a personal story about getting robbed, or at least almost getting robbed. If none of the two are applicable, then they can definitely tell you a thing, or two, or three about witnessing people getting robbed.

Yep, right there on the streets, while everyone is watching!

I walked these Jozi streets for about 10 consecutive years. All those walks fortified this “nice” guy to be this “expert” when it comes to manoeuvring these Jozi streets. Through experience, I thus learned what you need to do to get robbed in Jozi, and look stupid!

But you don’t have to learn through experience. You have me as your blessing now, and I hereby share with you a few simple things you might want to do in order to get robbed – and look stupid – in Jozi. Here and there I give some helpful tips to achieve the opposite.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, if you have some secret wish of being robbed in Jozi, here below are the 10 must-do things when in Jozi.

NUMBER ONE: OBEY TRAFFIC LAWS

It seems crazy, right? Yes, because it is. But, believe it or not, this is one of the simplest gateways towards getting robbed in Jozi. Cross the road on the traffic lights (a.k.a. "robots"), wait for them to turn green for you to walk across, and walk in a straight line from one side to the other, and you are really pushing it! Very soon, some curious eyes will be on you.

See, Jozi is not for those who respect all these Grade 4 teachings about where and how to cross the road. In fact, Grade 4 kids in Jozi already know that whatever they learn at school about traffic laws is only reserved for class work and tests. Not for the Jozi streets!

 

TIP: As best as possible, never cross a Jozi street at the traffic lights, and never cross the road in a straight line. Zigzag is the present and the future! If ever you have to cross on the traffic lights, don’t wait for the robot’s green light. As soon as there’s no oncoming vehicle, hit the road! In fact, where the vehicles are usually slow, don’t even wait for the road to be clear. Just navigate between vehicles, and you’ll save your softie skin. And your wallet!

NUMBER TWO: WALK ON THE PAVEMENT

This is related to the above. I had to discuss it separately, however, because very special things happen there by the pavements.

Look, Jozi never runs out of people who are walking up and down the streets, watching people move up and down, ready to pounce on the vulnerable. Some of these people focus on pavements. Yes, you may go ahead and call them experts in that regard.

Due to the fact Jozi is often packed, especially downtown, the pavements are often packed with many people and other articles being sold there. So, your movement will always be seriously compromised on the pavement. And that’s when your vulnerability will be exposed.

So, you walk on the pavement and the “eagles” already can see who is “up for the taking”, and there you’re with your unlimited worship for the pavement! They will pounce on you – and, yes, they always work in groups – and within a few seconds you’ll be left with your pants, if you’re lucky. Your expensive sneakers? Or should we, perhaps, say your former expensive sneakers?

 

TIP: Whatever you do, just stay off all pavements when in Jozi. As soon as you land, look for a pavement, plan on how to avoid it! So, where shall you walk? Believe it or not, but if you want to achieve the opposite of getting robbed, walk on the road. Directly on the road! You’re more safer navigating cars and taxis than walking slowly on the pavement. As you walk, cross to the other side, even if there’s no immediate need. Remember this: OPEN YOUR EYES, CAST THEM WIDE!

NUMBER THREE: MAKE U-TURN WHEN YOU REALISE YOU ARE LOST

So, you are walking down the street. Then you realise you should actually be travelling in the opposite direction. What do you do?

For those who are eager to get robbed, pay close attention. Here’s what you do: Immediately turn back! That’s rational, isn’t it? Yes, it is, but mainly for those who are so bored with life that they wish to be robbed and thus spice up their lives.

See, we all know that once you realise that you’re lost most often your face will show, your eyes will begin to wander, your head will keep tilting to different sides in a way that shows that you’re lost. As already stated in number 2, above, their watchful eyes are always there, scrutinising the streets. First, they will read your facial expressions and your movements, and the moment you start turning back will be the biggest sign that you may be new in this city. There’s your easy ticket to getting robbed!

 

TIP: Easy! Keep walking in the same direction. Gather your thoughts carefully as you walk. Cross the street. Remember number 1 above, about where to cross and where not to cross. After you’ve crossed, then, on the other side you may then turn towards the opposite direction you had taken. That way you’ll lose the attention of anyone who may have been tracking your movement.

NUMBER FOUR: MUSIC TO YOUR EARS: EARPHONES/HEADPHONES

This should be among the most obvious things to do when you hunger to be thoroughly robbed anywhere, including Jozi. Go around acting all cool, listening to the latest sounds blasting in your ear, and in time, without even realising it, you’ll only be left with those earphones hanging on your ears.

 

TIP: Oh, shut up now, you know exactly what you should and should not do!

NUMBER FIVE: FOCUS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

This often begins when people are still in public transport. As the taxi navigates the packed streets, passengers will often be hooked onto their phones. The street experts already know this. From the taxis, some passengers remain hooked on their phones as they disembark. Trust me, it won’t be long before they and their phones will part ways through the timeless Jozi miracle.

 

TIP: As in number 4 above, you know what to do to achieve the opposite. Before you even get to your stop, put away your phone, get a good sense of your surroundings. Ensure that, even inside the taxi, none has seen where you actually put your phone and other valuables, especially your wallet or purse.

NUMBER SIX: GREET PEOPLE

You were raised “properly”, and thus you go around greeting people in Jozi? Wow, how nice and “Godly” of you.

This tendency is often done by those coming from rural towns in other provinces. They greet people and also greet back whenever they’re greeted. The “hawks” easily catch up that this is a newbie and sooner or later they take their chances. Relax, nobody will come to your aid! You’re all alone. A few will say “sorry”, and pass by, while others will laugh as they walk by. Some will even “praise” the violence: “Ooh, man, this is the Jozi I know, this is THE Jozi I grew up in!” True story!

 

TIP: Look, pal, keep your sweet greetings for “rural” Mbombela/Nelspruit City! Here in Jozi, you just walk towards your destination and shut up!

NUMBER SEVEN: TURN YOUR HEAD TO LISTEN TO CALLING VOICES AND WHISTLES

Remember that so many people pass through Jozi. Some of them come from long distances. Like in number 6 above, some are really well mannered. When someone shouts “hey sir”, “Ola”, or whistles, some of our fellow long travellers tend to respond to those calls. Our local “experts” quickly catch up, and soon they’ll be on your tail!

 

TIP: Dude, please, nobody knows you here! Nobody! In fact, if you want to give yourself a better chance at surviving Jozi, before you disembark from your long-distance taxi or bus, put your hand on your chest and silently say this to yourself: I know nobody in this city, and nobody knows me.

NUMBER EIGHT: APOLOGISE FOR BUMPING AGAINST SOMEONE

Oh, it’s always a highly dense city. Well, until 24 December each year. That’s the day when pretty much everyone leaves this city. 25 December – and largely the rest of the festive season – is a very nice and peaceful city. But until then, it will be packed and you’ll surely bump into each other.

So, what do you do then when you bump on someone – or someone bumps on you? You humbly apologise to them, of course. That’s the most logical thing to do to expose your vulnerability and get your sweet-self robbed! Go ahead and do it, and very soon you’ll be crying!

 

TIP: If you happen to bump on someone, keep walking and stop apologising! Some of them do it purposely to test you, and the moment you show good manners you’ll be in for it. So, drop whatever good manners you’ve been carrying all the way from your good old Mbabane!

NUMBER NINE: ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Okay, so you’re in the Jozi streets and can’t quite tell where to get where to get the taxi to Chiawelo, SOWETO, where I made and raised my daughter, where Tsonga music will murder you weekend in, weekend out? Ok, what shall you do now?

Of course, you stop some random pedestrian, like you would back in your Mbasheni, in rural Hhohho, and ask them nicely. Yes, I hereby take the opportunity to wish you a Happy Robbery Day. You sure deserve it!

 

TIP: Hey, Bundu boy, keep walking until you find your way there! Stop asking people for directions. But, in the event you really have to, buy some sweets or small articles from those people selling on the streets. As you’re in the process of buying, quickly ask the seller about your destination. But, oh please, don’t be “Mbasheni” about it. Be street-smart! Surely, I can’t be teaching you everything, every day!!!

NUMBER TEN: GIVE MONEY TO BEGGARS

Oh, sweet, well-raised Christian child, here’s your chance to change a few lives. Here’s your chance to demonstrate your inner Christian-self. Pop in some few coins to little “Can I have money for bread” across each and every street. May sweet Jesus bless you! Along with your blessings, will be some very watchful eyes, watching your charitable-self as you “collect” your blessing. Sooner or later, you’ll be in the air, emptying whatever was left.

 

TIP: Merely giving money out to beggars in Jozi is automatic robbery. Trust me! Robbed already! Keep your money in your pockets! Let others get the chance to be robbed. Can it not be you today, please!

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And so, there you’re! Go out there, do your thing, get nicely robbed, or not! The above information is not free, however. To pay for it, you may make a small donation, send me any amount via eWallet, or Cashsend, or whatever the way you send money these days. Inbox for details.

Woman as a Flower

In many progressive organisations and movements across the world, it has been an acceptable norm to categorise women revolutionaries as “flowers/roses of the revolution.” In various platforms, I have openly and outrightly protested against this depiction and called for change; that, as comrades, we need to refer to female comrades as “comrades” or “revolutionaries” and desist from giving them the “flowers/roses” title. The same applies to, as we have seen in many obituaries, the contribution of women revolutionaries to the revolution as “revolutionary in her own right” instead of simply referring to them as “revolutionaries.”

 

The “flowers” symbolism in society has, in most instances, meant to depict women as merely passive beings who just wait to be “picked up”, and thus the “picker” doing whatever they want with the “flower.” The flower, as a symbol, tends to present women as nothing but entities to be used in whatever way that anyone wishes to use them. For instance, the florist uses flowers to beautify whatever place they want to beautify; weddings, parties, homes, funerals, etc. On the other hand, the bees simply have to invite themselves into the “innocent” flower, violate it and do with it whatever is in its wishes. 

 

That was, and remains, the general understanding of the woman when she is depicted as a rose or a flower. For the rest of this article, I will use the term “flower” as it also covers “rose.” For purposes of this article and easier examples, I only focus on heterosexual relations. 

 

While my criticism on depictions of women comrades as “flowers/roses” remains valid, during the Communist Party of Swaziland’s Summer School in December 2022, I took some time to re-evaluate the “flowers” characterisation. I began to think what if, for argument's sake, women, in fact, were flowers? Yes, let us look at women as flowers! 

 

This curiosity in my mind was not just about women revolutionaries. It was about women, as a whole, and not just the limited category of “women revolutionaries” being flowers. In other words, for the purposes of this article, let us look at women as nothing but flowers, and see what we come out with. When our brainstorming is done, would we see women as merely passive beings, that is if we envision them as nothing but flowers? Let us interrogate the matter closely. 

 

As we take a few steps into the matter under discussion, I am reminded of a story I saw on social media recently. This lady put out a huge claim that when they, as women, wear whatever they wear, particularly mini-skirts and other revealing clothes, they do so not for men but just to feel good about themselves. Silently, I outrightly dismissed such assertion. I have seen many such assertions, in various forms, from different women, and each time I saw them I did not agree with them, though I did not express myself openly. 

 

My mind often said “Just doing it for yourself? Get out 'a here!” 

 

Obviously, the patriarchal side of the discussion presents women as nothing but passive beings waiting to be directed on how to think and where to go. On their own, so goes the patriarchal stipulation, women are just a disaster and simply cannot lead. The solution? Introduce a man to show them the way. The example? The example that often gets flown around is that even women organisations do not function very well without a man being involved while, on the other hand, male-dominated organisations function pretty well without women’s involvement. This very patriarchal notion thus presents women as nothing but flowers, that is, passive flowers, if you may. 

 

But then there is the problem that sometimes gets thrown into the pan by the liberatory side of the coin. While the liberatory movement may be well-meaning in their campaign(s) for women’s rights, sometimes they fall into the pit of presenting women as nothing but passive beings. Sometimes the notion being thrown around is that women are pure beings, carrying no negative characteristics and, thus, must be supported on anything they wish for. This notion often posits that, whatever the case, women must be supported to the hilt notwithstanding whatever their actions. Again, while this movement may intend to do away with the “flower” depiction of the woman, they bring the woman back into that very category they detest, and the woman is, once again, rendered as a human being without a brain and thus without any positive intention on how they live their lives. 

 

By now, some “I believe her” proponents are probably fuming at this analysis. Please, dear activists, we are not on that issue, for now. We will come to it in the future. 

 

But what if we allowed ourselves to think of women as flowers? What might we discover? Would we discover women as passive or active beings? This is an interesting journey from which I wish not to depart. 

 

In this analysis, I beseech the reader to take some time and comprehend the woman as nothing else but a flower, that is if we are to do any justice to the interrogation. Register this within yourself: Every woman is a flower. In this instance, we must also introduce the bee which searches for the flower, settles on it, and thereby gets nectar to create its honey. 

What conclusions come into your mind? Let us talk about them. 

 

The main problem with the flower story is that it is often told from the bee’s and flower-lover's angles. But we need to tell the flower’s story directly from its own side, no longer from secondary sources.  

 

See, the process of pollination is a story of the flower and the bee. In this instance, let us ignore other types of pollination and stick to the pollen (flower) and the bee. 

 

From a scientific analysis of the pollination process, we discover that the bee can never ever find the flower without the positive action of the flower. In other words, the flower necessarily needs to be active if it is to bring the bee to itself. The flower, therefore, actively sends out some specific elements to the air in order to draw the bee to itself. These elements we refer to them as “pollen.” Once it has located a bee, any bee, it is able to draw it to itself to carry out whatever the flower wishes the bee to do. The flower, therefore, pulls the bee to itself. 

 

In common parlance, the independent observer may assume that the bee flies to the flower because it has “discovered” it, as the flower waited to be so discovered. As we thoroughly scrutinise the scientific process, however, we discover that indeed the bee was in search of a flower, but it was able to locate this specific flower because the flower sent out its scent in order to draw to itself whatever bee was available out there. In this instance, the flower is not a passive participant in the pollination process. It is active from the time it becomes a flower. In this sense, the flower is an active element in the fertilisation process. 

 

Observing the above reality, we discover, therefore, that the presentation of women as passive beings is a huge mistake. Nay more, the presentation of women as mere beautiful flowers without any active elements within themselves is a gross misrepresentation of women. 

 

On this score, we have seen in the “normal” world how women have been depicted as nothing but the garden upon which the seed is planted, the “garden,” as woman, being a passive agent. On this score, the female reproductive process is seen as inactive, passive, and nothing but a receptor. Again, science has proved wrong all such assertions – and, one must say, thanks to all the hated “feminist” scientists that these, and other similar discoveries, have been made. 

 

The presumption that it is the sperm which swims the fastest that makes the baby has been proved as a fallacy. Recent studies have shown that the female’s reproductive process also helps to push up the sperm to reach the egg. The reproductive tract also influences the sperms’ behaviour. The zona pellucida also plays an active role to ensure that no more than one sperm enters the egg and that, after one has entered, other sperms are repelled from entering the egg, making it impenetrable. 

 

It has been shown that the movement of sperm is enhanced by muscle contractions in the uterus (into the fallopian tubes) and oviducts and by the beating of ciliated epithelium which lines the uterus. Before that, the cervical mucus prepares a friendly environment for the sperm to pass through. 

 

The egg itself is not a passive participant just waiting to be fertilised. Its release marks a positive activity on the part of the woman to “search” for the “most perfect” sperm. In other words, it is not just the sperms’ swimming capabilities that decides on the egg’s fertilisation. The surrounding cells of the egg, just like the pollen in the flower draws-in the “confused” bee, actively attract the sperm to the egg. 

 

Additionally, some studies have shown that the egg does not always agree with the woman’s choice of partner and that the female egg actually chooses the sperm. The chosen sperm may be that of another man and not her partner's sperm. This should tell us that even within the woman’s body, the woman’s reproductive system does not remain passive, a receptor of whatever the male has “deposited.” She remains active even when she is not conscious of the fact. 

 

From the above, it is clear that the female reproductive system also actively contributes to the complete process of fertilisation and conception. That way, there is no such thing as “fertilisation of the egg,” in truth. Probably, we should just speak of the creation of the human being and not merely “fertilisation” of anything. A story for another day! 

 

Firstly, we have seen, above, that, in both the flower-bee relationship and the sperm-egg relationship, there is a dialectical or contemporaneous relationship between the two. For pollination to take place, the prime decision is not just the act of the bee that fertilises the flower, but also the act, which may be the most decisive, of the flower which pulls the bee from a long distance to itself. Likewise, for a baby to be conceived, it is not merely the act of the male element (sperm) which swims to a waiting, helpless female egg. Rather, both the female and male reproductive systems are actively involved in ensuring conception. 

 

As such, from the above, we may thus deduce that even when it comes to the conception and conclusion of consensual relations, of whatever kind between males and females, both are always involved. None between the two is ever taken by surprise when such relations are concluded. Yes, the socialisation process, in line with whatever stage of development of production relations, may present females as non-thinking and empty-headed participants. Science proves, however, that women are very much active participants in every step. Seen in this regard, it becomes clear, therefore, that they are never taken advantage of in such cases. They are active participants of these relations.  

 

Earlier, I made the bold assertion that those women who posit that they wear in this or that fashion not for men but for themselves as nothing but liars. I must account for this.  

 

Women who make such assertions are, often, still imprisoned by the dominant European-Christian standards of morality. They have submitted themselves to the belief that women are presumed [sexually] evil, unless the contrary is proved, by virtue of being women. 

 

Let us be fair: men, generally, view women as beautiful beings before any other element comes into the picture, and there is nothing inherently evil or immoral about that. Of course, the fundamentalist Christian may view this differently, but let us abandon them, for now, and stick to science. The presumption that females, by virtue of being a natural attraction to males, are evil is an oppressive belief in human society. Sadly, some progressive women have adapted themselves to such nonsensical belief and, when they depict women in their “emancipatory” education, they depict women as “pure” beings, incapable of wrong, thus falling into the patriarchal trap, its oppositive in this instance, that women are nothing but inactive beings who just get violated willy-nilly and cannot do anything about it. 

 

“What a man can do, a woman can do better” are some of the terrible examples coming from the emancipatory community. 

 

Secondly, there is nothing evil or wrong about a woman dressing up with the full intention of attracting, sexually or otherwise, any member of the opposite sex. It does not matter if the woman wants to create a relationship or simply wants to attract the man/men and leave it there. In other words, there is totally nothing wrong with the “flower” drawing-in the “bee” to itself for whatever reason. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with a woman harbouring thoughts of having sexual relations with any member of society. Any proscription of such freedom constitutes the flagrant violation of women’s rights. Oh, I must request security in this regard, for the religious fundamentalists will surely hunt me down on this point. 

 

From the examples of the flower-bee and sperm-egg relations, we thus discover that women are not passive beings at all. Women are very much capable of building a just world as must as they can build an unjust one. They are active beings. This includes the decision to have sexual relations with this or that partner. They make positive decisions in this regard and have sexual relations with people they wish to have same with, notwithstanding the fact that men may believe that they “conquered” the woman, and the woman also giving that impression. 

 

Alright, I am cutting this here. Till then.