A couple of years back whilst I was still a student at
the University of Swaziland I had friends; all male. Four! At some point I,
together with all my friends, became friends with a very beautiful lady, also a
student at the university. We were true friends with her. For simplicity purposes,
let us refer to our female friend as Sibo. So it was five men and one woman;
one great group of friends.
Sibo had her boyfriend with whom at some point they
had a daughter. The boyfriend was not a friend to us, and neither was he in the
same institution as the rest of us. We respected Sibo’s relationship with her boyfriend,
and not once did we ever speak badly about the boyfriend, or even tried to
suggest that she could leave him and replace him with any of us. None of that! Their
relationship had unwavering support from us.
Some students believed strongly that one of us was definitely
her lover, whilst some went to the extreme, suggesting that there are some “benefits”
in the friendship. But then there were none such benefits.
Even in moments when only the boys were together, none
ever suggested some intentions to be her lover or even to sleep with her. None!
We respected her and she respected us. Of course, because this was a somewhat
unique friendship (male-female), we gave her the privacy she needed whenever required,
and she did the same for us. In other words, we still recognised her as a female.
We did not pretend to be all of the same sex.
With that experience, whenever anyone ever asked me if
it is possible for a man and a woman to be friends, and remain nothing but
friends, my response was always a resounding YES! I was never in doubt.
I and
my very, very close female friend…
A few years later I became friends with another lady
at the university. Let us call her Funiwe. Funiwe was (and remains) HOT! A beautiful
woman without a doubt.
Funiwe and I were very close friends. Sometimes we would
be together in my room at the students’ residence, whilst sometimes she would request
to take a nap in the room whenever she felt too tired. All was good and well. And
we respected each other.
Knowing that Funiwe and I were nothing but friends, I was
always puzzled by people’s deep suspicions that there was more than mere
friendship between us. My previous experience of a good friendship with Sibo made
the situation even more confusing, for I felt that there was nothing sinister
about a man and a woman being friends. The evidence was there. I constantly
asked myself how the rest of the students could fail to understand such a
simple issue.
Nobody believed that we could ever be alone in one
room (a room with an inviting warm bed) and do nothing but talk. So many times I
got lambasted by some people for “sleeping” with her when I knew she had a boyfriend.
Well, some guys even envied me. But then Funiwe and I never even kissed, let
alone have sex! The only benefit was friendship, pure and simple.
Of course, in hindsight, I do understand the suspicions
that Sibo and Finiwe’s men may have had with those kinds of friendships. In their
boyfriends’ shoes, I would probably have felt more or less the same.
But
then the plot thickens…
Let us introduce another character. We will call her Nomaswati.
For a long time Nomaswati held the same beliefs as I. She
never at any point questioned her man’s friendship with other women. Her boyfriend,
Nkosephayo, was more comfortable with
having female friends than males, at least according to what Nomaswati knew anyway. She was at peace with that and, notwithstanding
their distant relationship, she trusted him fully. Of course, at first she
doubted the whole “just friends” story, but with time she became comfortable
with the friendship.
At some point in their sweet unbreakable relationship,
Nkosephayo introduced Nomaswati to one of his female friends, Thanda, and she
was happy to meet her. They even received a wonderful gift from Thanda at some
point, with her wishing them a long wonderful relationship filled with nothing
but love. Oh what a sweet, loving and supporting family friend!
Sometime later, however, Nomaswati would stumble upon some
information that on a certain night Nkosephayo had a visit from Thanda, the same
female friend who had been introduced to Nomaswati. The two (Nkosephayo and
female friend Thanda) had spent the whole night in Nkosephayo’s one-room flat. It
appeared from this new information that in fact this night was not the first. But
there was more. Nkosephayo and Thanda (female friend) had shared the room and bed,
and were even comfortable taking a bath in front of each other. They went to clubs
together. And so and so forth and stuff like that…
In Nomaswati’s conceptualisation of the unwritten rules
relating to friendship between people of opposite sexes, this definitely
amounted to crossing the line.
It is probably important to mention, in passing, that,
after this unfortunate discovery, Nomaswati destroyed the gift they had received
from that female friend, and that she and Nkesephayo are no longer in a relationship.
Their only link today is the history they share, especially their son. Please do
not ask me about their unending fights. We will talk about them some other day.
My reflection
– Can a male and a female be friends and remain nothing but friends?
After my personal experiences, comparing them with other
people’s experiences like the Nomaswati-Nkosephayo experience, I am in doubt today
whether my response to this question would still be a resounding “yes”. After seeing
friendships escalate to “friends with benefits” and some friendships evolving
to full relationships, I am left disillusioned.
Despite the above, however, I still have some belief that
it is possible that two people of different sexes can be real friends. For these
two people to remain friends, however, they need to remember that just because they
are friends does not mean that their bodies can never warm to each other. Respecting
each other’s privacy and each other’s relationships is important. Otherwise one
thing may lead to another, thus destroying good relationships and families in some
cases. In other words, boundaries must be set and respected.
Some friends, unfortunately, neglect to set these
boundaries, however. The result is two people who probably started as genuine friends
slowly getting closer to each other to the point that one (or both) begins to
feel that there is hope for more than just a friendship. Speaking of
boundaries, I do not think that we would all agree on the measurement of
boundaries.
Therefore, the question “Can a woman and a man be friends
and nothing more?” will probably never attract a unanimous response from people.
The majority of opinions would most definitely be subjective. All will depend
on the specific experiences of each individual.
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